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5 Harsh Realities Of Homeless Camps Nobody Talks About.
The next thing you learn about being a professional prostitute is that even working at a legal brothel, you get a lot of interaction with law enforcement. When you start you have to register with the police, which involves taking a questionnaire that makes sure you’ve never been an illegal prostitute (this is that rare career where experience in the industry actually disqualifies you). And then there are weekly STD tests, where a doctor goes through a queue of vaginas with the emotional investment and precision of a factory robot. You can get used to anything if you see enough of it.
“What I wouldn’t give for a big ol’ hairy man ass.”
Speaking of which .
As a new hooker, the closest thing I had to training was from my Bunny Sister. She gave me advice on how to negotiate and taught me the least sexy skill involved in being a legal whore: the dick check .
Robyn Beck / AFP / Getty.
Nevada, ladies and gentlemen.
As soon as you’ve met your client and agreed on a price, you have to take him back into your room and carry out an inspection. You tell the guy to drop his pants, and then you hunker down there and inspect some genitals. Some girls keep a light by the bed to make it easier, but I rarely felt like more light would have helped matters.
What are you looking for? Bumps, sores, bleeding wounds, literal spiders — all the kinds of stuff you don’t want to think about immediately before sex. Yet there you are, prodding some wang and dreaming up Seussian names for all the STDs it might carry.
Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images.
“Blue pills for herpes! Red pills for the clap! Pills for Crumpunktering Pinkertumb Staph!”
The best tip I ever got was to turn the dick check into a sexy little prelude to the real action with a hot towel massage to the guy’s junk. You get cleaner dicks, and happier clients. You can take that tidbit back to the bedroom with you, ladies.
Sometimes a client will come in and not have a clear idea of what he wants. In that case, the girls on duty will get in a line-up and let the client pick. I got picked the first time I ever went out, and initially I took it as a compliment — but then I learned many of the regulars go straight for the new girls. First-timers don’t know how to haggle, and haggling is the most important skill for a professional prostitute.
Just one of the many similarities between prostitutes and spice merchants.
I was always scared to ask for big money, because honestly . I know me , and I just feel like a regular girl. I’m not some kind of supernaturally good lover or anything. I was one of the bigger girls there, and I’d wonder, “How can I ask for the same amount of money as all my skinny-ass co-workers?”
In that way, prostitution was actually good for my self-esteem. I came into the business with a lot of body-image issues, and previous webcam work only made those worse. You think cat-calling construction workers are bad? Look at the shit men on the Internet post when they’ve seen a part of your naked body. But the guys at the brothel were always very complimentary, and clearly happy to be with me. It illustrated the large gap between “how women look in magazines” and “what guys actually want.”
Image Source/Digital Vision/Getty Images.
Like that hair isn’t a pain in the ass for everyone .
I had a friend who did really well. She was, like, 10 to 12 years younger than I am and would consistently book huge amounts. I finally asked her how she did it, and she told me, “You have to go in there and believe you’re worth it.” And while I’m not sure if I ever got to that point, I at least learned how to fake it.
Erik Snyder/Digital Vision/Getty Images.
Remember on The Office when Michael Scott handed out pointless awards to all his employees? That exists in the world of whoring. There’s an official group who picks a “Best Legal Courtesan” every year. There’s also a “Best Brothel of the Year” award that looks like this:
You know how Borat brags about his sister being the second-best prostitute in Kazakhstan? As you can imagine, there wasn’t a lot of jockeying for the “best hooker” award. There are message boards for the men who use our brothels, and the guys on there would say they didn’t want to “date” a winner because that must mean “she’s having too much sex.” It’s the fucking Mobius strip of double-standards.
“How dare she be good at her job!”
We had meetings every week — they called them “tea parties,” but it was us sitting down with management and talking about numbers. They’d set sales goals for us, tell us how we should be marketing ourselves — we were even required to spend ( unpaid ) time online in our brothel’s forums, talking to the kind of people who visit a brothel’s forums.
Here’s a photo of one such tea party. This is exactly what it looked like, not a marketing shot at all (I saw this picture and had flashbacks). I’m not in the photo — but some of my former co-workers are. The reason those girls are in funny hats is because they do a raffle at every tea party. What, the word “raffle” isn’t the first thing you think of when you hear “brothel”?

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